In an
effort to inject some actual humor and writing talent in this otherwise
humorless and talentless blog, the Backyard Sports Network recruited me,
Kellen, as a new contributor. This will
be my first of what will hopefully be many awesome, funny, and insightful columns. If you like what I have to offer, check back
regularly. If you don’t like it, go fuck
yourself, while of course also checking back for more shit you might not like. So without further ado, on to my first column…
With tomorrow
being Opening Day, it seems like a good time to offer my previews and
predictions for the upcoming MLB season.
I’ll list the teams division by division in my projected order of
finish. I won’t try and guess records - that’s
for assholes and degenerate gamblers.
AL East
Boston Red Sox. While the people and city of Boston sucks,
their baseball team doesn’t. Their two
major off-season additions, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, are perfectly
suited to play in the decrepit, Sully and Murph-filled shithole known as Fenway
Park. The defense is improved, and the
pitching staff led by John Lester should bounce back as long as Josh Beckett
and John Lackey don’t continue to be a combined $38 million gas can.
The closer spot is the lone question mark, as the Papelboner
has turned flaccid. Look for him to get
dealt mid-season, giving way to a raging, flame-throwing, Daniel Bard-on. All things considered, this is the best team
in the division and the AL.
Tampa Bay Rays. Cheap as shit, and playing in the biggest
dump in the majors, the Rays will look to surprise again this year. Old-farts Johnny Damon and Man-Ram have been
added to the line-up, with the latter apparently in great shape, meaning he
probably got all HGH’d up in the off season.
If Evan Longoria and David Price aren’t too busy getting robbed of their
flat screens and AK-47’s, they should lead the Rays to the Wild Card.
The one problem is the bullpen. They let all of their free-agents go,
replacing them with rookies and has-beens.
They brought in Kyle Farnsworth, which is good if you need someone to
beat the shit out opponents during bench clearing brawls, but not if you want
to close out ball games. Look for the
dreaded closer-by-committee.
New York
Yankees. When A-Rod wasn’t busy
spending the off-season opening the tunnel for Cameron Diaz’s popcorn train, he
was shopping for houses with her. And
when he wasn’t doing that, he was apparently getting in the best shape in years,
which means he’s back on ‘roids. The
Yanks will need him to stay healthy, as they need to score as many runs as
possible considering their shit pitching.
They have one of the best rotations in the league- if the
league was a MVP 05 dynasty. Cookie
Consumer Sabathia is the lone standout.
AJ Burnett is a fat-lip packing, tatted up, gas-can; Phil Hughes will
regress; Ivan Nova is shit; Freddy Garcia is diarrhea; and Wet Fartolo Colon
will eat himself off the 25-man roster by midseason. But hey, they did just add Kevin Millwood, he
of the 4-16 record and 5.10 ERA.
Regardless, enjoy 3rd place. The Yankees suck.
Toronto Blue Jays. They’re perpetually screwed in this
division. They did well last season, but
will likely never get over the hump.
Jose Bautista and Travis Snider were bright spots, and should continue
to be this year. I would write more, but
I don’t give a fuck about Canada or their sports teams.
Baltimore Orioles. A team on the rise, but like the Jays, they’re
fucked in the AL East. Buck Showalter
got this team playing great in the second half, and will try to continue that
this season. Bright spots include Brian
Matsuz and Adam Jones. Adam Scott will
hit a bunch of bombs getting regular playing time, and Vlad Guerrero will
rake. It won’t be enough to move them
out of the cellar though.
AL Center
I hate this division, so lets make this shit quick.
Chicago White
Sox. Adam Dunn was a great pickup,
adding much needed power to the lineup.
The pitching is sketchy: Jake Peavy is banged up and Edwin Jackson
sucks, GM Kenny Willams fucked up by trading Old Dom grad Dan Hudson for him
last season. Ozzie will either have this
team playing great or he’ll be canned by June.
Detroit Tigers. Insert Miggy Cabrera joke here. If the
slugger continues to hit the ball as well as he hits the scotch, the Tigers
offense should be fine. ODU alum Justin
Verlander will continue to throw gas, and Max Scherzer will look to carry his
second half performance over to this season.
If Rick Porcello bounces back, the Tigers can compete for the Central
crown.
Minnesota Twins. Well at least Target Field is a cool
yard. Joe Mauer was banged up last year,
and Justin Morneau is a huge pussy who still hasn’t recovered from a concussion
suffered 8 months ago. Seriously Justin,
football players suit up the week after suffering one, so come back and play
now or just retire.
Francisco Liriano is a blown ligament waiting to happen and
Joe Nathan is coming back from Tommy John surgery. Needless to say there are a lot of injury
question marks. This walking infirmary could
finish first or third depending on how injuries shake out.
Cleveland Indians and
Kansas City Royals. Does it really matter? Both teams are fucking
terrible. Kansas City shouldn’t even
have fans; who lives in Missouri and picks the Royals over the Cards? And Cleveland should just quit trying to be a
city. But heyyyy, at least you have some
prospects and young players to look forward to.
Lonnie Chisenhall and Carlos Santana of the Indians and the Royals’ Mike
Moustakas and Eric Hosmer will tantalize these stupid fans until inevitably
traded for 30 cents on the dollar.
AL West
Oakland A’s. I love their young pitching. Brett
Anderson, Trevor Cahill, Dallas “Get off my fucking mound A-Rod, you purple
lip-gloss wearing piece of shit” Braden, and Gio Gonzalez should all do major
work this season. If the offense can
scratch some runs together, the young A’s will win the divison.
Texas Rangers. The coke-head Ron Washington will have his
team right in the mix again this year.
If Josh Hamilton can stay off the DL and Deadspin, and Nelson Cruz stays
healthy, they have all the ingredients for a potent offense. It’s the pitching that sucks. They stupidly decided not to move Neftali
Perez to the rotation, and will try and ride Brandon Webb, which will
inevitably backfire. Maybe I’m just
bitter they ripped the Braves off in the Teixeira trade a couple years ago.
Anaheim Angels. They
play in Anaheim, which last time I checked is not LA. So I refuse to call them
the LA Angels. I can’t stand this
team. Maybe it’s their uni’s; their
shitty aging, overpriced players; or their manager; regardless I don’t like
them. Dan Haren and Jered Weaver will be
bright spots, but otherwise they’ll be worse for the second year in a row.
Seattle Mariners. Well at least they’ll do their fans a favor
and get games over with quickly. They
can’t hit worth shit, and Cy Young winner King Felix is a beast who’ll mow the
opposition down but still lose 1-0. I
wish I could say more, but aside from Ichiro and Felix, this team is terrible.
NL East
Philadelphia
Phillies. It’s only the start of the season, but shit is starting to hit
the fan and I love it. Chaz Utley and
his greasy hair will be on the shelf for an undisclosed amount of time, and the
living, flaming oil-field known as Brad Lidge has shoulder troubles, which
sucks because we won’t get to see him serve up mammoth bombs like this one.
The rotation is the best in the bigs, and should be enough
to lead them to the division title. But
if Utley doesn’t return soon, the Phils will have little in the lineup to
protect Ryan Howard. Which I’m sure
those piece of shit Philly fans will enjoy.
Atlanta Braves. I could go on all day about how good this
team will be, now and for years and years to come, but I’ll refrain from being
a huge homer. They straight stole Dan Uggla from the Marlins, and he will
respond by hitting 40 bombs and raking as he always does in Turner Field. Jason Heyward should make the leap into
stardom in year two, Freddie Freeman will compete for rookie of the year, and
Chipper will be back. The pitching staff
should continue to shine, with Tommy Hanson set to have a breakout season.
The only potential Achilles is the bullpen, but Craig
Kimbrel and Johnny Venters should do a good enough job splitting the closer
duties. Look for the Bravos to challenge
for the NL East, while wrapping up the Wild Card.
Florida Marlins. When not swindling tax payers for new
stadiums, the Marlins stockpile young talent.
They have a chance to surprise this year, but there’s a drop off in
talent after their top players. They
have a hole at third base, and Chris Coghlan blew ass defensively at 2nd,
3rd, and left, so the Marlins decided to move him to center field. Not like that’s an important
defensive position or anything. The
bullpen is weak, as is the back end of the rotation.
Washington Nationals.
Throwing all that money at Jayson Werth was stupid. But if they are ever going to get good
players, they’re going to have to overpay.
Adding Werth and Adam LaRoche added some much needed pop to the lineup
behind Ryan Zimmerman. The rotation is
one of the worst in the majors, and they feature a young closer in Drew Storen. Expect a lot of high scoring games this
season.
New York Mets. Hahaha the Mets are imploding. Ownership is looking to sell part of the team
after it was revealed they profited from the Bernie Madoff Scandal, Johan
Santana is hurt, Carlos Beltran looks done, Jason Bay was a total waste of
money, they have no second basemen, Jose Reyes will likely bolt as a free
agent, and K-Rod beat the shit out of his father-in-law last year. Aside from David Wright, Ike Davis, and Citi
Field, they should blow the whole fucking franchise up. And while they’re at it change their terrible
name to something other than the Metropolitans.
NL Central
Milwaukee
Brewers. Zack Greinke broke his ribs
trying to hoop it up in the offseason and will be on the DL to start the
season. As long as he’s healthy, and all
the fat, brat and beer pounding people of Milwaukee don’t set off his social
anxiety, he should lead an improved rotation and team. Prince Fielder is in a contract year, which
means he’ll have a great season before landing a fat (pun intended) contract this
winter from a team that will be stuck paying him long after he eats his way out
of the league.
They have some depth issues in the rotation and the bullpen,
but this is a good Brewers team that will compete and excite the Milwaukee fans
all summer- which could be a good or bad thing considering their obesity, high
blood pressure, and propensity for heart attacks.
Cincinnati Reds. I don’t see them being as good as last
year. Joey Votto was awesome but should
see a drop off, Scott Rolen will get hurt, and their young pitchers might not
hold up with a full season’s workload.
However Jay Bruce is ready to break out, and Aroldis Champman will
provide quality innings until Dusty Baker overuses him and he blows his arm out
a la Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.
St. Louis Cardinals. Sucks to be a Cards fan. Adam Wainwright going down was a huge loss,
and they are trying to replace him with Kyle McClellan, a career reliever with
arm problems. They overpaid Matt Holliday,
but won’t shell out the money to keep Pujols.
They’ll be 8-10 games out by July, and will have to seriously consider
shopping Albert. Which they should, he’s
not coming back next year. In fact he’ll
be with the…
Chicago Cubs. Nothing to talk about here this
season. Fukudome and Soriano blow, with
the latter a payroll albatross for years to come. Tyler Colvin could surprise
with regular playing time, which he should get considering the aforementioned
shit clogging up the toilet of an outfield.
Starlin Castro should really improve on offense and Matt Garza was a
great addition to the rotation. But this
is a team that won’t make noise until next winter when they get Albert.
Houston Astros and
Pittsburgh Pirates. Who. The. Fuck. Cares.
The Astros have no players even worth mentioning, unless I’m doing a
trade rumor column, in which Hunter Pence, Wandy Rodriguez, and Brett Myers
come to mind. The Pirates have some
young talent in Pedro Alvarez and Jose Tabata, but they’ll eventually get
traded, so Pirates fans (are there even any?), don’t get too attached. PNC Park is the sweetest stadium I’ve ever
been to though, so at least they’ve got that going for them. That and those big fuckin’ sandwiches with
the fries on them.
NL West
Colorado
Rockies. Sleeper team this
year. Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos
Gonzalez are MVP candidates, and they have a solid rotation and bullpen. There are some soft spots in the line-up, but
playing in Coors someone is destined to break out- Dexter Fowler or Ian Stewart
perhaps.
San Francisco
Giants. Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused continues to dominate
on the big league level - oh wait that’s Tim Lincecum. Unless Lincecum is gassed out of his mind off
some of those thumb-sized chron nuggs that he likes to drive around with, he’ll
continue to do work. The rest of the
rotation, Cain, Sanchez, and Bumgarner, combine to be the major’s second best. A full season of Buster Posey and prospect
Brandon Belt should help the offense and if Fatso Sandoval keeps his weight in
check he should have a bounce back year.
Brian Wilson’s injury is troubling, but The Machine should
help him get that squared away. Pat
Burrell and Aubrey Huff will get hurt, but they should be able to make up for
those at-bats with Belt. The fact that
they’re seriously going to trot Miguel Tejada out at SS is a joke - look for a
deadline deal for a replacement.
Arizona
Diamondbacks. Justin Upton will look
to have a monster season and realize some of his immense potential. Dan Hudson was a beast after coming over from
Chicago, not surprising considering he went to ODU. While he won’t put up those numbers
throughout the course of a season, he should still lead a young rotation. Chris Young is also a beast in CF and is a
30/30 threat. This is a team that’s a
year or two away.
LA Dodgers. Well Matt Kemp and Rihanna broke up, so
maybe the CF will take some time off from all that S&M and focus on
baseball. Andre Either recently said
that he expects this to be his last year with the team, so he could put up some
solid numbers on his way to getting paid.
They have some solid parts, but their owner is a Hollywood douchebag who’s
spending all of his money on his divorce, not his baseball team. If it’s even his after the divorce...
San Diego Padres. Mat Latos is hurt, and they have no one who
can hit worth shit. They play in a huge
stadium that produces low scoring ballgames. I’m bored as shit just thinking
about it.
Predictions:
AL- Red Sox over
A’s, Rays over White Sox. Red Sox over
Rays.
NL- Phillies over
Brewers, Braves over Rockies. Braves over Phillies.
World Series- I would
rationally pick the Red Sox but I fucking hate them so no. Braves in 7.
Awards:
MVP’s: Adrian
Gonzalez, Troy Tulowitzki
Cy Young: Jon
Lester, Tim Lincecum
Rookie of the Year: Jeremy
Hellickson (Rays), Freddie Freeman
All of the above will absolutely happen. If you’re a degenerate and decide to wager on
any of this and win, please email customerservice@backyardtees.com
so you can arrange to send me 20% of all winnings.
-Kellen
